Sacramento, CA – Governor Gavin Newsom was arrested earlier Saturday evening on 39,538,223 of theft. He was charged with stealing the futures of California citizens.

He was later released due to the fact that California residents no longer value their futures at an amount greater than that which would warrant a trial and conviction. This is evidenced by their voting record.

Newsom apparently said, “I’m glad that the residents of our great state unselfishly place more importance in things other than themselves. If they truly cared about themselves or their futures these charges might be taken more seriously and I might be in real trouble. We’re working on spreading these values across the nation so that I may ultimately become President. Kamala has been getting things ready for me there.”